The Segway, Simply Moving.

it says on the box (website actually, but box is punchier).

I can not think of a more boring way to move, it surely had a design brief of "a personal conveyor belt, a bit like an escalator but without the convenience of going up stairs." If it goes upstairs without the aid of a large cardboard box and a larger man with a much larger trolley then I apologise for my assumptive statement, however having walked up a flight of stairs in roller-boots (in my youth...) I think doing the same with 6 less wheels would be quite traumatic.

I wonder also if the man who designed it actually got a friend to design it while he himself had a couple of hours extra in bed because it absolutely is only bought by the world's most lazy of people.

You stand there - doing nothing. You don't even lean to the side to go round corners. You just stand there. The next add-on to it will probably be parking sensors off the back of a Ford Mondeo so you can just stand there and read the paper, looking ahead only if it beeps at you that someone or something is in the way.

There is a guy here in Lucca with one. He...what does he do, does he 'whizz' or 'hum', surely he does not 'zoom' or 'zip', maybe he 'segways' along up and down the 1000 year old streets looking like a fool who has been easily parted from his euros with the promise of "you will be the envy of the city, everyone will want one, and you can rent it out to tourists for fun sightseeing trips."

In fact he did try that for a while, he got someone to write him a board which he stuck to the front, offering 30 minute tries...but possibly everyone who saw him was reminded instantly of those poor puppies who have trolley wheels fitted after bad road accidents and did not see the marketing...so after a few days he got someone to take the sign away.

The weirdest thing about this is that some days he 'segs' along with 2 friends, one either side - having a bit of a chat. They walk, he just leans like a bored vicar on world cup final sunday delivering a sermon to an empty church on the evils of the devil scoring in injury time after a really dubious free-kick. So he leans, 'segging' along at walking speed...the 2 other guys walk. At walking speed.

It just looks strange. It reminds me of Captain Scarlet, or Joe 90, where the amazing marionettes could pull off pretty much any emotion, any weaponry usage, and a damn good impression of Cary Grant - but were ludicrously bad at walking.

This being Italy I half expect next time I see this guy to have a mini Segway, or Segwino, next to him with a dog riding it....ears flapping backwards in a light breeze, tongue hanging out staring at passing lamp posts (if they had lamp posts here - which they do not).

On the website they talk of police & military applications...and they say "Experience the unrivaled rebirth of community policing when you utilize Segway PTs in your force." and "Simplify and streamline your military applications with Segway's range of cost-effective government solutions". Ed-209 was supposed to be the future of policing in the community, with military functionality...oh dear.

One last thought is that Segway...is a bit like Sega...could it possibly be a derivative? If so, in Italian it has slightly different personally gratifying connotations.

Lets just say it takes ages to be this good.

It is September...but still they keep coming.

3 American ladies came in yesterday, looked about a bit, then one asked "DOOO YOOOUUU MAAAKE YOUR ICE CREAM HERE???", I replied that yes we do. Not phased or maybe even noticing that I spoke English she continued "Only we have been told that if the Pistachio is that bright green colour, it means that it was not made here."

"I see", I replied. "It still might mean it is made on site, but it does mean it is not made using much pistachio.

'And that bright green one there..." I pointed..."is Mint."
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People react in different ways when you speak back in English...most seem not to notice, perhaps their brain convinces them that they suddenly understand Italian, or they just think they are back at home. Others ignore it and continue talking in pigeon Italian, emphasising every word and pointing a lot. This is fine and I am pleased that they make the attempt, although many Italians will understand English they will still feel appreciation that you try.

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Another question I was asked recently by a customer, English this time....was
"I would like two ice creams in cones, but can we do one at a time please?"

And the alternative is.....?